One of the toughest decisions that many couples have to face is which spouse should stay home. In the past, the answer to this question was fairly cut and dry: The husband works while the wife takes care of children and home. However, as women have seen an increase in earning power and career opportunities, the dynamic is changing. If you want to be a single-income household so one of you stays home with the kids, you might have to look beyond tradition and figure out what’s best for you and your family. Make sure you discuss these matters as a couple before making a decision. Here are some things to consider as you decide which spouse should stay home:
Earning Power
Take a look at earning power. Which spouse has a higher income? You should also look at potential earning power. Be honest. Has one of you progressed pretty much as far as he or she can go in a company or career? Does your spouse have better promotion and pay raise prospects. Even if there is only a slight difference in income now, you should also consider the future. If your spouse is career-driven and likely to climb higher, it makes sense to send him or her to work and make more money while you take care of things at home.
Emotional Abilities
Sometimes, though, you also have to look at emotional abilities. Can one spouse handle staying home better than the other? To a certain extent, nearly everyone has to adjust to the special challenges that come with staying at home. Some people, though, cope better than others. If the arrangement isn’t working after a few months, then it might be time to consider switching things — assuming that you can afford to. In some cases, it can help if the stay at home spouse can find a hobby, start an online business from home, or even work part-time to help ease the situation.
Culture
In a perfect world, the choices you make for the good of your family would not prompt comment from neighbors, fellow congregants, and relatives. However, in some situations the cultural pressures to conform can just be too great. For some, braving the ridicule associated with being a stay at home dad (“He’s a lazy bum,” “She’s such a control freak, keeping her man down”) can be too overwhelming — no matter what you feel is right for your family. Some people solve the problem by moving away, while others are fortunate enough to have open-minded associates who aren’t so shuttered by traditional roles.
Deciding What’s Best for You
Ultimately, the choice is yours to make. I’m in a rather fortunate position of being the primary bread winner and being able to work from home. My husband has started doing some of his work from home, but he’ll be gone more in the fall when he starts his new life as a college professor. However, for the first 18 months of my son’s life, my husband was the primary caregiver. I worked outside the home, since I had a degree, and my husband was still in school. For us, it made more sense for me to go to work, since I had better earning power. My husband stayed home, and endured the strange looks and sometimes mean-spirited comments. All that didn’t matter to us, though, because we knew that we were doing what was best for us.
How do you decide who should stay home, and who should work?
It’s great to see this lifestyle choice getting more exposure. I too am a stay-at-home-Dad, and I can relate to many of the social pressures that you mention here. It is a little different, and beyond the spectrum of normal for many people. But, you need to do what is right for your family, as you point out. After 9 years of being the Mr. Mom it is very satisfying reflecting on how far we have come, and quiety satisfying knowing that we have proved so many critics wrong by emerging from this social experiment successfully.
I have noticed more and more husbands choosing to stay home over the last few years, seems like we are heading in the right direction thanks to people like you 🙂
I would not mind one bit staying home and running the household, but for us, it is a matter of earning power.
Unfortunately studies show that women in the same position as men make less then their counter parts as long as this trend continues we’ll continue to see women staying home rather then men.
http://www.nwlc.org/our-blog/wage-gap-women-still-make-less-men
Adaptu has a similar blog post. Would love to hear your thoughts on it: Living on One Income: https://www.adaptu.com/community/family/blog/2011/07/05/living-on-one-income
I’m not saying that this will work for everyone, but it’s how my wife and I have handled it. The one who stays home is the one who has the greatest capability of earning money working from home. Over the years that’s been me, whether from working in sales, doing periodic contract work or in running my website.
I might have made more money working outside the home but when choices have to be made you do what you have to do. If my wife stayed home with the kids, we would have lost her income entirely since she doesn’t work in the kind of field that lends itself to working from home. In this way we’ve been able to preserve two incomes and still have a parent home with the kids.
That being said, I think that all of the points Miranda raises need to be factored into the decision as well. In the end, the decision isn’t strictly monetary.
That is a good point you bring up Kevin…but I don’t think many families thing of working from home, the primary concern is staying home to take care of the household. However like you mentioned, one can work from home while running a household.