In an effort to consolidate and condense for moving, I refiled previous years documents into my current filing system. Excellent for simplification, but also a trip down memory lane that I don’t think I was emotionally ready to take. I got to revisit overdraft notices, the letter where MBNA closed my first credit card account due to my mismanagement, the investments I cashed out to maintain a lifestyle and pursue an education I didn’t want, the credit card statements and the past due notices.
On top of the stress of preparing for a move, I started to have heart palpitations and some minor chest pains, and feel desperate regret. Since you don’t know me that well, allow me to say this is HIGHLY unusual. I thought I’d gotten to the point where I accepted my mistakes.
In fact, I often quote Maya Angelou: “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”
My debt was largely due to a complete lack of tools to cope with the world around me. I was a “spending care-taker.” I spent money to take care of myself, my friends’, and my family’s wants whenever possible. And I missed the boat on the major things, spending too much on a car, too much on housing, too much on a ridiculous credit card protection program.
After sipping some Sleepytime tea, I realized I’ve come a long way, and my heartbeat started to normalize. I’ve created accountability for myself. I haven’t missed or been late on a payment in four years. When I get depressed or sad, I take measures that don’t cost money (i.e. writing, photography, taking a walk). I care for the people around me by actually being involved in their lives.
My past, even reviewing it, may always hurt, but I’m positive about my future. Now if those boxes would just pack themselves…..
